How I have come to know God

A talk given by Kirsten Kaluzynski
at the morning service on 30th March 2008.

When Eunice asked me whether I would like to consider being interviewed in church this Sunday, about ‘How I have come to know God’, I instantly agreed, thinking that I too would like to learn more from others about their personal experiences with God.  On reflection however I found myself getting increasingly concerned that, even with the best plans in mind, I may not say ‘what I truly wanted to get across’ on the day.  I therefore thought that it would be better instead to just allow some of these thoughts and feelings to find their way into today’s talk.

So how have I come to know God?  I was not brought up in a religious household.  In fact I had very little experience of God in my early years.  I do remember however having ‘conversations with God’, particularly when in open spaces, praying as I walked through the park that I would do okay in my exams and things like that.  Then I don’t think I had much of an idea on who or what God was, who Jesus was in relation to God, let alone the Holy Spirit.  It was stuff I strangely accepted but still didn’t understand.  I was quite a dreamer but on reflection perhaps these times of stillness and meditation were a preparation for what was to come.

Much later, married and aged 28 I suddenly found myself pondering on ‘what life was all about’.  My mother-in-law died when I was pregnant with our first son’; then my father-in-law died when I was pregnant with our second son.  During this period we also lost a friend in the King’s Cross fire.  These almighty events, of birth and death so close together, especially the young life of this friend who was my age, had a profound effect on me, causing me to search deep inside as to the ‘meaning of life’.

I delved into what would be termed today as ‘self-development’ books’ – arriving at the conclusion that the power of love was the greatest healer of all.  I took an interest in alternative health and studied homoeopathy, becoming fascinated in human anatomy, physiology and the clever way in which the body tries to heal itself from disease or injury.  I was particularly interested in how lifestyles affected people’s health, not so much through balanced and sensible nutrition or exercise which we all know is good for us, but more the mental and emotional aspects, where guilt, fear, jealousy or lack of forgiveness, seemed to rule a large part of a person’s life.  I worked closely with a practitioner for a number of years and witnessed this often being the case time and time again. 

Experiencing difficulties in my own personal life and looking for ‘answers out there’ I happened to share some of my problems with a friend and was so touched when she offered to pray for me. I had never before come across someone that had offered to pray for me.  Then again, I had never thought of praying for someone else myself. 

That same week another friend mentioned she had started to go to church again and I asked if I could join her that following Sunday.  The local vicar came over to me after the service to introduce himself and I often wonder whether I would have returned to church again if it hadn’t been for him.  He made me feel very welcome and presented me with several of his previous sermon sheets to take home and read.  He wrote eloquently about many aspects that I had broached in my own quest for knowledge. 

I believe, just like the critical periods when various physical and cognitive developments take place in a child as he/she grows up, there are also critical periods in our adult lives when we are ‘ready’ to assimilate new information.  I was obviously soul searching at this time and the people I met, what I read, and my everyday experiences were merging together and helping me to form a much better understanding of this thing called ‘life’.  I started praying and going to church regularly, and felt God was guiding me.  I had known, for too many years, the feelings of mental abuse; I had struggled with debt; I had experienced the threat of suicide of a loved one; I had also witnessed and tasted violence, and fear.  I met people who too had comes across ‘hard times’ in life, secretly disguised somehow in the seemingly normal suburban lifestyles they led. I gained enormous strength at this time, got confirmed, and became aware that I was tackling new problems in a new light.  It was as if I had found the right formula.  If I conducted my life according to the dictates of God, and stayed true to my heart, things just unfolded beautifully because they felt and were ‘right’.

This vicar had said to me, on another occasion, that when you start to progress up the spiritual ladder, each rung becomes more challenging.  I remember thinking at the time “Well, who would be stupid enough to embark on such a journey then.  I want an easier life!”  He then mentioned that with every step up the rung, not only does the journey become more challenging, it also becomes more ‘enriching’.  It seemed from this time onwards the speed and rate at which I was presented with new challenges and problems became accelerated and yet, although I might have felt in the past that my circumstances were ‘sacrificial’, it was as if God was giving me ‘no more than I could bear’. Just as the vicar had said, I felt I was truly the one who was gaining.

The awe and wonder for life seemed to explode at this point.  Everything started to make better sense.  All around and within me I felt there was such magnificent intelligence.  God, to me, was everywhere and yet there was still so much I did not understand. 

I went on an Alpha Course last year and gleaned much from it, particularly from one of the speakers on our Holy Spirit weekend workshops.  He explained we all have free will which means we have choices in life. 

 ‘We have two ways in which we can live our life’. Life in the flesh, or life in the spirit. I seemed to be living with a foot in either camp – a bit of this, and a bit of that. 

Life in the flesh means living life from a human perspective. Whereas, life in the spirit means living life from God’s perspective and in God’s power – so how do we do this?  He said ‘we read the word of God through the bible and we ask for it every day in every situation.  We hand it up to God.  He has the power.  We just need to give permission for him to do it.’

Now if I had listened to that a couple of years ago that would not have registered.  The reason it resonated with me is that I was obviously ready to hear it – I was at that critical point in my life where I was asking for answers/guidance.  Every time I asked for this, through silent prayer and thought, things shifted, things happened.  Hearing this was confirmation that I wasn’t experiencing small miracles coincidentally. 

In coming to know God better, I search my own soul as to its capabilities and depth, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  The harder I work with my ‘difficult bits’ the more fulfilled I become.  This was not something I am consciously aware of.  Only in focussing my thoughts on today’s talk did this seem to be true.  I keep on asking the question “How would God approach this?”, “What would God’s way be on this?” .  Jesus said ‘I am the way, the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me (John, 14: 6).  When I find that place to be still and focussed, and when my heart is open, I feel I have come to know the love, grace and peace of God.   I feel truly honoured and blessed.

Thank you.